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My kids are superheroes. I don’t mean this in some figurative way, I mean they are literal superheroes. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a superhero is “an exceptionally successful or skillful person.”
I think this definition encompasses anyone who is different than the norm as defined by society.
Visiting a foreign country
When I was in high school I took a trip to France. Although I had several years of French, I was lost. Everything was different. The rules were different. No one lines up as we do in the US. The language was spoken with regional dialects and accents. It wasn’t classroom French. I had no way to localize myself in geography. Growing up in Colorado I was used to wide-open spaces. The mountains to the west. In France, I didn’t know which way was up or down.
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I think this is what it is like for our neurodiverse children. Sometimes the rules are unclear. I have social anxiety. One thing that has helped me twenty-plus years into my diagnosis is a list of so-called rules. These are the way I think people will behave. It allows me to have some control in a situation. Unfortunately, we all know people don’t respond the same every time. This means I have to be flexible and understand that the rules might change. This took me until my late 20’s to really understand. Imagine what it is like for a child trying to understand why the rules change from day to day.
Why do the rules change?
Neurodiverse children often do better in structured situations. That is great when it is possible. Sometimes it isn’t. Imagine a school day with a visit from a fire truck, and then a fire drill. For a child with typical development, these activities are viewed as fun surprises. For my daughter Rainbow who is neurodiverse, they are frustrating. If I can prepare her in advance, it might help. Usually, it just requires her to find a way to piece her day back together within the rules. Her teachers often tell me that she knows the schedule better than them. When she comes home from school the first thing she will tell me is any anomaly during the day.
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It has gotten easier for her to go with the flow. This is because as a mom I have embraced her need for rules. One of the biggest mistakes a parent with a neurodiverse child can make is not enforcing rules. I am not talking about being an authoritarian parent. I allow her choices in clothing. This is important because she has fabric sensitivity. Choices for dinner are part of meal planning. I do not allow her to avoid doing things though.
The real-world needs superkids
Rainbow knows has to go to school even when the day will be different. Recently she was extremely upset about having to go to a play with her class. She tried everything to get out of it. Eventually, I was able to get her to open up about her feelings. She explained that she didn’t know who she would sit by. Where the bathroom might be. If she would be bored. (This one translates to, will I fidget too much and be yelled at?)
We were able to discuss each of these concerns. In this case, I was able to go as a chaperone. This helped alleviate much of the stress. We also were in communication with her teacher. He is sensitive to Rainbow’s special needs and had some ideas of his own. My daughter laughed through the play. She was excited to see the actors. Introduce me to her friends. She still said she didn’t like the play because she wanted to be in class.
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This is where being a supermom to superkids comes in. I have to read between the lines with my daughter. She doesn’t like to admit she is wrong. We have to work together on a solution. Often this involves extensive creativity on my part. When nothing else works, I have to be strong enough to send her unprepared. She will yell and cry at me. She will come home and say it was horrible. More times than not, I will receive a note from a teacher or parent telling me what a pleasure she was.
Raising superheroes is hard work
Our children test out the rules and their skills on us, their moms. It is often tough. At times I have to cry on my husband’s shoulder. I am lucky that he sees the hard work I do behind the scenes. It is all worth it when my daughter gives me a spontaneous hug.
Our kids have to be superheroes to make it in a world that is not built for their needs. They are like any hero, an outcast trying to find their place. Just like those heroes I know they will find their sidekicks. The people who will help them succeed.
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Supermoms, you are their first sidekick.