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Having anxiety myself, I knew it was likely I would pass it on to my children. Research has shown that anxiety has a genetic inheritability rate of 30-67%. You can read more about the genetic aspect of anxiety HERE. I also realized from my own experiences that being around someone anxious can ramp up my anxiety.
Like most parents, I want my children to feel safe and happy. Anxiety works hard to make these two things feel impossible. I knew it was important to learn ways to control my moods and worries to better serve my children. It is a cliche, but true, I needed to have my oxygen mask on before helping the kids with theirs.
Longterm help for anxiety
One way I have chosen to work on my anxiety is through therapy. I have found that taking the time to work with a professional has been extremely helpful in developing coping strategies. Additionally, I take medication for my anxiety, something that was even more important when the pandemic began.
Even with these tools in my back pocket, I find times when my anxiety starts to get the better of me. This is when I have found it important to have in-the-moment strategies. I like to refer to these as my anxiety bandaids. Over a long period, some of them may help lower overall anxiety, but they all can work at the moment.
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Short-term help for anxiety
Here are 5 strategies that I have found to work to help calm my anxiety. These work in the short term so I can get back to the immediate task of parenting. I encourage you to seek professional help if you have anxiety that is interfering with your daily tasks.
1. Think About the Worry
This may seem counterintuitive and does not work for everyone, but I find thinking about my anxiety can help. For example, when a friend invites me to have lunch in a new place my anxiety will spike. The main reason for this is I worry about parking. I have found that thinking about why I feel upset when invited someplace now allows me to ask questions that help. This may mean I determine where to park beforehand, or we carpool together.
When it comes to my kids I often worry about something happening to them. I find considering an event that was similar in my life can help. When I wasn’t invited to a friend’s birthday I try to remember that at the moment it hurt, but now I never think about it. Reminding myself that I have survived situations that make me worry for my children gives me comfort.
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2. Remember to Breathe
This one is talked about a ton. I wasn’t a huge believer in the importance of breathing before having children. It was only after we were encouraged to help our kids take deep breaths in class that I realized how it helps. When I am breathing quickly, or one of my children is, my anxiety will rise. It doesn’t matter which one of us started the faster rhythm, we will both join in. I have discovered if I stop and take 10 deep breaths it calms me and my child. Often this allows me time to process what is causing the anxiety.
For long-term care meditation is beneficial. I have personally started using the Calm app and find the exercises helpful. If I am in my car and feel my anxiety rising I will meditate. As long as I am parked in a safe place. This has helped make it feel more natural when I enter an anxiety-producing situation.
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3. Remove Sensory Input
I know this one can be more difficult as a parent. When my children were little this might be going into my closet and turning off the lights. Removing as much sensory information as I can help. Always make sure your children are safe and you are near. Now I might step outside and take a moment.
I also find that often driving kids back from something is a trigger. Because they are older now, I often send them into the house first. Then I will sit in my car for a few minutes. We have a light in the garage that goes off after two minutes, this is when I go inside. This helps me to collect myself, and take time to focus.
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4. Talk to Someone
This is a great strategy if the person is another adult. I do not encourage you to talk to your children excessively about your worries. My children know I have anxiety, and that some things are difficult for me to do. For example, I hate calling or texting parents to set up get-togethers. I do not tell my children how utterly hopeless this can make me feel.
Instead, I talk to my husband or friends about this. Often other people might have a solution. Recently my son began soccer and I found my anxiety increasing. My husband and I discussed why I was worried. After this, he suggested that it was his turn to take one of the kids to a new activity. This has helped decrease my anxiety load because I have one less thing to worry about.
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5. Do Something Active
I am not an active person. My idea of a great day is staying snuggled up on the couch reading a good book. Unfortunately, all they promise about exercise is true. Anytime I go for a walk, garden, or just generally have to move more, I feel better. This is a beneficial tool to use when I am worried.
If I can, I will go for a walk. Often my children come with me so we all get the benefit. When they were younger and increasing my stress it also helped. Getting children outside changes them. They have a chance to burn off big emotions also.
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Keep practicing it is worthwhile
Dealing with anxiety can feel like an impossible burden when you are a parent. So often we fall into the trap of just trying to make things right for our family, without considering what we need. It is important to be our best selves when coping with the everyday stressors we encounter. Learning how to defuse anxiety at the moment is an important tool.
It is also one of the greatest gifts your children can receive from you.
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Resources
Parenting While Coping with an Anxiety Disorder HERE
How to Avoid Triggering Anxiety in Your Child HERE
Being a Parent When You Have Anxiety HERE