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I am not an optimistic person. When I have to introduce myself as a pessimist or an optimist I like to say I am pragmatic. Once a friend told me they are a realistic optimist. I think all of these are wonderful ways to describe a trait that we often view as negative. The ability to see things that are wrong. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to think like an optimist. Content in the knowledge that everything is going great. Then I might witness an optimistic friend blindsided by an event. My pragmatic nature already predicted the outcome, so it seems as though my disappointment is less difficult to navigate. At these times I am grateful that my pragmatic nature has already prepared me for a less pleasant result.
Hope vs. optimism
This is where I think it is important to differentiate between hope and optimism.
Optimism is defined as a doctrine that this world is the best possible world or an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome. The full definition is HERE.
On the other hand, Hope is defined as a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment or to cherish a desire with anticipation; or want something to happen or be true. You can see all the definitions HERE.
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The difference may seem subtle between these words but it is extremely important. Optimism is viewing things always in a positive manner expecting them to go well. Hope is wanting things to go well and working to make that happen. I believe optimism is passive, something you have. Hope is active, you nourish it, develop it, and use it to make the good thing happen.
Hope changes the future
So why does this matter? For some of you, I am certain you are optimistic about your children’s future. I applaud you as this joy and positivity will carry you and your family far. Others are more like me, viewing the future as a series of obstacles and possible negative outcomes. For either an optimist or a pessimist the important thing is having hope. Hope that the future for your child will be full, bright, and what you dreamed for them before their diagnosis. Without hope, neither the pessimist nor the optimist can help make the future a reality.
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This is why I often tell people I am a pessimist full of hope. When Roses was diagnosed with hearing loss I hoped it would improve or disappear, I hoped that she could live a normal life, and I hoped that she would be happy. These hopes pushed me to keep moving forward after her diagnosis, learning what I could to help her succeed and advocating for her needs.
Optimism is stagnation, hope is action
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Even before we had children my husband and I discussed concerns I had. With my own anxiety and depression, as well as the history of mental health diagnoses in our families I knew that there was a high probability that our children would be neurodiverse as well. I had hope that my own experiences would allow me to parent them and support them. My hope helped me make a plan of early diagnosis, talk freely about mental health and neurological differences, as well as seek treatment as needed. With optimism, I might have thought they would escape the same complex issues I have. With hope, I had the same dreams, but I also made a plan to make it easier for them just in case.
What are the pieces of hope?
Psychologists have been studying the usefulness of cultivating hope for decades. They have a specific definition that they typically use for hope, one different from the simplified version found in the dictionary. The late Charles R. Snyder, Ph.D. had a model of hope with three parts: goals, agency, and pathways.
The goals piece is self-explanatory. We want our children to lead happy and fulfilling lives no matter their differences.
Agency refers to how we shape our lives. Do we believe that our actions can change the outcome of our child’s diagnosis? Do you have the motivation to do whatever it takes to help your child reach their potential?
Pathways are what you do to achieve your goals. What resources will you utilize? How will you help your child achieve their greatest abilities? Making plans to help your child is one of the most significant parts of the pathway piece.
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Using this definition you can see why hope is so much more meaningful than either optimism or pessimism. It helps cultivate actual change and achievement.
How is hope different from wishful thinking
We tend to throw around the word hope without thinking about its deeper meaning. You might hope that your favorite team wins the playoffs or that the gas at the station near your house has gone down in price. Neither of these is real hope though, instead, they are what psychologists call wishful thinking. You have no actual agency over the potential outcomes.
True hope is something that allows you to find a way to push forward in difficult times. I hoped Roses would be able to go to a mainstream school, I made sure I listened to her DHH teachers and audiologists so that I could have agency over this goal. We used technology, in the form of hearing aids, listening games and techniques, and early intervention as our pathways toward the goal. These pieces together created my hope for Roses. My pessimism was still there underneath the hope. I knew she would never actually feel “normal”. She would always have to advocate for herself and seek accommodations. My hope helped me press forward though through the pessimism. Now Roses is a successful middle schooler who is complimented daily on her sweet and intelligent nature.
Hope is something you can cultivate. Hope is what will help you and your child the most on your journey of advocacy. Hope is everything.